Finding My Way Home

I guess I should've mentioned this earlier. I'm back in Malaysia!

I arrived safely on Tuesday night, alhamdulillah. I'm happy to be back with my family and it's so good to see my Mum again. I never told you guys this but I spent the last three months in New Zealand on my own for the first time ever. In the beginning I found it very hard. I had to do everything on my own and I didn't have the family support I was so used to. It was especially hard for me because I'm doing my post-grad at the moment and it's a completely different experience compared to being an undergrad. It's double (possibly triple?) the workload and my lecturers have high expectations therefore I'm constantly pushing myself thus always feeling tired and overworked. I remember being in the elevator with a classmate after we finished a three-hour lecture on a Monday afternoon and she said meekly, 

"Oh... I'm so tired."

"Oh my God, me too!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, no, I don't have a social life anymore," she went on.

"No way! I thought I was the only one," I said with an odd sense of relief. 

Truth be told, I'm exhausted and I have a million things on my mind. All I want is to just be at home and with my family right now. Alhamdulillah, Allah's given me that opportunity. Believe it or not, I still have an assignment due next week. It never ends. Sometimes I kick myself for continuing my studies instead of graduating last year but I know this is what I've always wanted and I have to make sacrifices. I'm also good at keeping myself busy and doing more than what I really should. Too good, if you ask me. If you're familiar with Marxism, well, I definitely see myself as a human being who believes that the essence of my existence is in performing labour.

That's how I measure my self worth.

So I read, contemplated, articulated, wrote and I continued to do so even if it meant sleeping a mere few hours a day. I always wished we could have more hours in a day so I could get everything done. Unsurprisingly, I fell sick and I was always fatigued. There were days I was so tired that I couldn't fall asleep. Nevertheless, I never wouldn't have gotten through these past three months without God's protection and guidance and the support of my wonderful and caring friends in Dunedin. And I know I'm extremely lucky to have a supervisor who is very encouraging. He believes in my potential and is constantly trying to draw the best out of me.

As much as I love what I do, it's time for me to be with my family right now. I need to be away from the world. I also need to focus on my deen. I'm still learning how to balance dunya and akhirah. These days I feel so distant from Allah azza wa jal (the Mighty and Majestic) and I desperately want to strengthen my relationship with my Creator. I need to feel at home again and there's no feeling at "home" quite like feeling close to Allah subhana wa taala (the Glorious and Exalted).

It's clear to me what I need right now is to find my way home once again...